


Hold Me Now, Warm My Heart

by bloodorchids



Category: Black Mirror, Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, also a bit of softness sometimes, cursed bandersnatch balcony scene!!, face...holding, fellas, i guess, i suck at summaries, is it really major character death if he only dies in THIS timeline...., little bit of touchstarved stefan?, mention of thomspon twins heads up folks, oh yeah, pls just give her a chance, stefan has a big ol gay crush..
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 15:14:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17368310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodorchids/pseuds/bloodorchids
Summary: It's all going so well until it isn't.





	Hold Me Now, Warm My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a little thing I wrote instead of doing my homework bc these two and Bandersnatch in general have set up camp in my head and won’t let me function so hopefully this will stave off the hounds for a bit.
> 
> It’s also my first fic ever written and posted, so pls be nice! I have had pairings in the past who I’ve wanted to write something for, but never got around to. These two really captivated me for some reason and pushed me over the edge to finally make an account and. Just write. To hell with it! Also want to thank all the other amazing writers creating for Bandersnatch and Colin/Stefan….y’all are so awesome and write beautifully and inspired me to put something of my own out here. Let’s fill the tag !!! 
> 
> All mistakes are my own, and I hope you enjoy!

Colin grips his face with the desperation of a dead man rushing to say his last words. Stefan is pleasantly shocked by the contact, finds warmth seeping through his skin, feels it dripping down through the rest of his body.

Is he glowing? It’s the lighting in Colin’s special room. Purples and reds shifting fluidly across his and Colin’s faces. Nonetheless, Stefan feels like he’s the source, light pouring from every inch of his body, a shimmering aurora borealis.

Normally he shies away from touch; despises his father’s well-meaning and suffocating presence, aches a phantom pain when his mother lightly beckons him to go and leave the bunny, winces when a new acquaintance pats him on the back.

When it comes to Colin, though, he doesn’t mind. Doesn’t shy away or duck or react negatively. Once, he jumped but only out of surprise. Jumped in his seat because he was lost in thought back at Tuckersoft, and then the hand that clapped him on the back disappeared the next second. By the time Stefan turned around, Colin was at the door, not even looking back.

But Colin here is frantic, needs Stefan to understand — _I’ve given you the knowledge, I’ve set you free_ — and Stefan doesn’t get the rush, the urgency. They have all the time in the world, Stefan thinks. He can’t even estimate how long he’s been here, how long ago it was when he first came in and couldn’t look Kitty in the face, or when he took the first pathetic hit of Colin’s proffered rollup, when the effects of the psychedelic finally kicked in.

Stefan feels like he’s going to fall forward into Colin, no strength in his paper bones. Stefan’s going to fall _into_ Colin, and they will become one, their cells will mix and they won’t be just Stefan or just Colin; they will be one together. Never alone again.

He wants to make Colin happy, doesn’t get why he’s so jumpy but he’ll say, do, anything to appease him. And he’s trying to focus, he swears he is, but Colin, _the_ Colin — yes, still _the_ , because the ridiculous schoolgirl crush / idol adoration has only gotten stronger the more Stefan finds himself near Colin — is holding his face and Colin’s eyes are dripping out of their sockets and Stefan’s floating, and, dumb, yes, but Thompson Twins plays faintly somewhere in the back of his mind, “ _Hold me now, warm my heart…_ ” and Stefan giggles. His heart _is_ warm.

_Do you understand?_

What is there to understand? Colin’s preaching, about government conspiracies and Pac-Man and drugs in his food?

“Maybe.”

That he’s finally free, right here, with Colin?

“Yes,” Stefan says, then thinks back to how little he truly grasped Colin’s rant, and adds “Sort of...” because he doesn't want to be a liar.

He’s smiling like a loon again, Stefan can feel his smile stretching lazily across his face. Following Colin here, Haynes and Dad be damned, was the easiest decision Stefan’s ever made—something so automatic, Stefan didn’t even have to think about it, his feet moving one in front of the other until he caught up to the taller boy. The rest came easily, like Stefan was being rowed downstream.

He wants Colin to never let him go, to keep him warm, to maybe run those same hands with the slender, deft fingers down his body, and see where things go. Kitty and her electric orange hair aren’t even spared a thought in Stefan’s mind.

Stefan’s so, so stupidly content, until Colin’s no longer there.

The sudden gust of wind through the now open sliding doors isn’t nearly as cold as the sudden absence of Colin is.

Stefan steps outside and it feels wrong, his stomach twisting, warning him. He wants to be inside

“One of us is going over,” Colin states easily, like it's a lunch order or something of equal insignificance. No emotion but to add a bit of emphasis, _Over there_ , punctuated with a point downwards.

"You'd die," Stefan exclaims, "You'd die." He isn't sure why he immediately assumes Colin and says _you'd_ , not _we'd_ , or _I'd_.

“Doesn't matter: there are other timelines. I'd only be dead in this one," Colin says dismissively. "Who’s it gonna be?”

Colin is so far away in the maybe five feet of space between the two of them and Stefan hates it, hates how distant Colin is now. He longs for a minute back in the past, longs to be inside and _warm_ and for hands to hold him steady again.

“You, you do it,” Stefan says, nods along, but he doesn’t really think about it. Words of a predestined script tumbling out of his mouth.

“Fair enough.” Colin swings his body, half on the balcony, half on the ledge, with such practiced ease that Stefan can’t help but laugh in awe.

“See you around.”

Stefan’s looking up at him perched on the railing, not really processing anything. He stares in wonder because Colin is unlike anything of this world; strangely beautiful, easy confidence, manic words and a sure way of moving—  

And then he’s gone over the edge.

Stefan’s suddenly very alone on the balcony. The dumb smile is gone. He stares in horror now, realizing what’s just happened, but still not getting it. Like a baby with no object permanence: _Where’s Colin?_

Stefan sort of realizes Colin is plummeting to sure death, but, for some reason, he thinks for the tiniest sliver of a second that Colin is flying— _he’s flying, he’s flying, he’s_

Stefan also sort of knows he should look away, spare himself from seeing the gruesome sprawl of Colin’s body upon impact, but he can’t, God, why can’t he look away, it’s like he’s forced to watch. The blood, oh, he can’t breathe, the blood. The blood is red and it’s unlike anything of this world.

As Stefan walks away stiltedly, little puppet, he wonders how he could see the blood so distinctly from all the way up here, how it haloed around Colin’s platinum blond head. He can see the fall, the impact, the blood, all vividly replaying on a cruel loop on the inside of his eyelids.

Kitty finally decides to walk in, as if a stage direction cues her arrival. Stefan almost forgot she existed.

 _Where’s Colin?_ But Stefan doesn’t hear, just floats on by, careful not to bump into her, not to touch her.

Kitty’s scream pierces the air almost as sharply as Colin flying-falling through the sky.  


**Author's Note:**

> Literally knew I was hooked on them as soon as they both met,,,, but it really solidified when Colin grabs Stefan’s face so so so so urgently and i was really just. Fellas. Also Hold Me Now was very gay and yes it's referenced in here and also the title bc i kept listening to it on repeat after bandersnatch like Hmm..thinking emoji. ANYWAYS. This is closure for me I guess. Please let me know what you think! Hopefully i’ll write some more :)


End file.
